A Surprising Update from Next Door: The Power of Human Connection

People can surprise you; this week I am in awe of the grace of my neighbors.

My neighbors are sort of daredevils. One of our early encounters led to a few icy months because I would not agree to stringing a zip line between our roofs and on to another house 3 doors down. We smoothed that over a few years ago but are not particularly close.

This fall, both of their sons had a horrible accident and were hospitalized for 3 months. When we spoke, the whole family focused on gratitude that both boys are alive. I sent another note to check how things were going and how I could help. In reply, almost immediately, I got a long and profoundly beautiful update. It began with this quote.

“The critical issue is reciprocity: being truly heard and seen by the people around us, feeling that we are held in someone else’s mind and heart. For our physiology to calm down, heal, and grow we need a visceral feeling of safety. No doctor can write a prescription for friendship and love: These are complex and hard-earned capacities.”

-Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score  

I was stunned and moved. It was completely unexpected. And it inspired this note.

This quote is much more eloquent than my usual notes that you need social connections. However, Bessel van der Kolk is not just being poetic; he is referring to the physiological and psychological needs for well-being dependent on social connection. (He also goes deep on healing trauma, but that is for another day's post).

If you are trying to build more of such connections, where do you start? Here are some thoughts:

• Be present. In a world full of distractions, you’re being present is a present. Not just physically, emotionally, mentally. Put your phone down and listen a few moments. Smile, say a kind word. Listen, you don’t need to jump in to solve it all.

• Be a bit vulnerable. Sharing our own struggles and triumphs invites others to share their stories. It is a foundation for closer relationships.

• Be more authentically yourself. It gives others inspiration to do the same and to connect more deeply.

It’s not an overnight process, and not everyone is going to be a great connection. Part of creating your happy place is about developing and cultivating connections. So, reach out and make a difference in someone's life, just as my neighbors have in mine.